This might irritate some people with maybe more valid, or maybe life consuming issues with gender identities, so I apologise ahead of time but I have a problem and I want to air it. Ill probably delete this in a moment anyhow.
I’m frustrated with how amorphous my own sense of gender is, but let me clarify, this isn’t rooted to my dick at all, this is more how I feel mentally and what I want to project aesthetically. I feel a lot of pressure to perform as male mostly from myself but obviously from the public as well (though by a huge margin. It’s hard for me to give a flying fuck outside of my small group of friends who don’t expect anything of me other than to be happy and confident which I am obviously lucky for )
Simultaneously there is a large feminine part of me that yearns to “perform” femininity. What that even MEANS is hard for me to grasp, and the word perform is very loaded. Classically, femininity means delicacy, tenderness, and (though I totally disagree with this) submissiveness. But yes, some days I spend hours researching transgendered male to female people and wishing that I had the resources to explore this avenue further. (Therapy, drugs etc)
I’m very confused.
I don’t want to be a man I don’t want to be a woman and I don’t want to be a eunuch.
I enjoy and participate in sex as a male bodied person and I love it, no qualms. But I often wonder and get excited at the idea of sex, relationships, and generally living as a woman.
Then, I feel guilty because I wonder if I am fetishising this contingency that I think have been needlessly sexualised and / or demonised enough.
And then AGAIN is it so wrong to feel attracted to the idea of transformation into completion? Is it so wrong to get turned on by someone with the wherewithal to do what makes them happy?
Ideally, there would be a surgery and accompanying therapeutic regimen they would allow me to comfortably inhabit the space between gender both mentally and physically.
I don’t know, I apologise if this is a totally annoying thing to read